Facts of Life
by Yazoo - Pirate Lord of Jamaica
Summary: Fact No. 1: Life in the Organization is full of facts that must be remembered. Fact No. 2: These facts are never remembered. Fact No. 3: Failure to remember these facts results in total humorous chaos. ::Reviews are totally wanted::
1. Fact 46

Does anybody notice that Xemnas seems to squint when Ansem is bashing him in The World That Never Was? i think it was around the time when he was talkiong about how Xemnas's empire will be one of ignorance...yada yada yada, that's where this came from.

It's also a true story.

* * *

Fact #46 : Xemnas will always require the need of some type of visual correction to see properly. 

--I--

Xemnas stirred in his large four poster bed, blinking his golden orange eyes in the bright sunlight. He glanced around the room when he noticed something startling.

He could see things exceptionally clearly.

"Oh my god...I can SEE!!!"

Xemnas leaped out of bed and sprinted to the kitchen, where Numbers IV, V, VI, IX, and XI were sitting at either the table or at the counter.

"Guess what everyone?" Xemnas exclaimed happily, "I can see well again!"

The members currently in the kitchen began snickering and averting their eyes from their Superior to hide their laughter.

"What?" Xemnas asked in confusion and annoyance; after years of needing contacts and glasses, the grace of God has granted him the gift of having perfect vision again! They should be happy for him!

"Um, sir?" Demyx began nervously, trying to stop chuckling long enough to speak to his Superior, "I think you slept with your glasses on."

Xemnas lifted a tanned hand to his face, where he felt the frames of his Calvin Klein square rimmed glasses.

"...Fuck..."


	2. Fact 69

Fact #69: Xigbar is forbidden from cooking dinner

--II--

"Wow, Xigbar, this is really good!"

"Thank you, sir."

Xemnas, sat at the head of the dining room table, the rest of the Organization filling the seats on each of his sides. Xigbar stood next to his Superior, holding a large pot of stew that Xemnas was now happily eating.

"Seriously, Number II, this stew is amazing! What's in it?"

"Freshly cut sheep testicles!"

"WHAT?!"


	3. Fact 53

Fact # 53: Under no circumstances is Xaldin allowed to play with hula hoops.

--III—

The sound of shaking beads filled the gym as Roxas wriggled around, a hula hoop circling his hips as he tried to keep it from falling. The Keyblader was oblivious to the fact that Xaldin had entered the room and was now watching him from the doorway. Only when the hula hoop hit the floor did Roxas notice the lancer.

"Oh hi, Xaldin! Wanna try this thing out? It's really fun!" the young teen asked brightly, his face shining slightly with sweat. Xaldin considered for a short moment before replying, "Why not?" and picking up the circular plastic toy and giving it a swing to start it up. After almost three rotations, the hula hoop fell to the floor. Annoyed but not about to give up, Xaldin picked the hula hoop up and tried again, once more to no avail.

This continued for about a good hour.

That is, until the hula hoop became a bunch of pebble-sized bits, the beads inside them crushed into powder. The whole mess was then transferred into Roxas's hood, which was then pulled over the boy's head before the Whirlwind Lancer stormed out of the room (heheh, please excuse the pun, it was totally unintentional.). Roxas stumbled blindly about the room, muttering sarcastically to himself, "Well, he really had fun, didn't he!?"


	4. Fact 32

Fact # 32: Vexen cannot eat anything colder than 10 degrees.

--IV--

"AHH!! THE PAIN!!!!!"

Vexen ran around like a chicken with his head cut off, clutching his hands over his mouth in pain. Xemnas, Luxord, and Demyx watched in shock as the scientist ran wildly through the common room in search of something warm. A few seconds after Vexen passed, Axel ran into the room just in time to see the Chilly Academic's heels run out the opposite door. The red head let out a solemn sigh.

"I just put ice in his coffee, I didn't think it would hurt him!"

"Did you put it in after he drank the coffee hot?" Luxord asked.

"Yeah."

"Oh," Xemnas said nonchalantly, "his teeth explodes when he drinks something really hot then drinks something cold. Nothing to worry about."

"Cool!"


	5. Fact 21

Fact #21: Lexaeus is smarter than he looks.

--V--

Vexen and Zexion sat in the basement labs, both intently reading a complicated puzzle. Lexaeus entered the room, holding a tray of cake and coffee.

"What are you reading?" the Silent Hero asked, placing the tray on the glass coffee table and sitting on the couch across from the two scientists.

"It's this problem," Vexen replied, eyes not looking up from the paper, "about a murder case." Zexion accepted the offered cake from Lexaeus and explained.

"An actor is killed, we'll call him Jack Hammer, and the producer, we'll call her Dita Tunstall, is the suspect. The producer had indeed killed the actor, yet she had no legitimate motive. Five years ago, Jack Hammer was involved in an accident, killing another actor, let's call him Bob, and Dita Tunstall, the producer, helped cover it up. On the day of the murder, Jack Hammer came to see Ms. Tunstall and was then killed in Studio 2. The question is, why did the producer kill the actor?"

"It's been driving me insane for ages!" Vexen exclaimed angrily, grabbing a cup of steaming coffee from the tray. Lexaeus thought for a few minutes, before answering.

"Ms. Tunstall had no motive; she killed Mr. Hammer in self defense. Ms. Tunstall had probably blackmailed Mr. Hammer about the accident five years ago, which caused Mr. Hammer great distress, and there could be a possibility that the blackmail was affecting his career, also. When Mr. Hammer came to see Ms. Tunstall, he went to probably kill _her_, but she killed him to defend herself from harm," Lexaeus explained knowingly.

Vexen and Zexion exchanged shocked looks, and then turned slowly to face Lexaeus with angry glares (of DEATH) in their eyes.

"…Smartass…"


	6. Fact 72

Fact #72: Zexion must always have his stuffed rabbit.

--VI--

"WHERE IS IT!?"

Zexion slammed the door open, storming angrily into the bedroom of the Luna Diviner. The Cloaked Schemer's eyes were red with fiery anger, and the usually calm and collected Zexion was now violently foaming at the mouth, a sight worthy of a Kodak Moment. Saïx stared at the angry No.VI in mild surprise, wondering what the hell Zexion was so angry about.

"I have no idea what you are referring to, No.VI," Saïx replied coolly.

SLAM!

Angry!Zexion pushed Saïx forcefully against the nearest marble wall. Saïx, who was usually fearless and normally the only member of the Organization to go completely berserk, now stared in horror at the short, irate man pinning him against the wall.

"Zexion, I swear I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about!"

"LIAR!"

"Ahah! Zexion, there you are!"

Demyx stood at Saïx's doorway, holding a tattered, long-eared stuffed rabbit.

"Snuggle Bunny!"

Zexion sprinted to where Demyx stood, snatched the rabbit from his hands and gave it a big squeeze.

"I found you, Snuggle Bunny! I'll never lose you again!"

And with that, Zexion skipped (yes, _skipped_) away, Snuggle Bunny clutched safely in his arms. Demyx watched the retreating form of the Cloaked Schemer fondly, while Saïx stared at the leaving figure like a deer in headlights.

"Why were you in possession of Zexion's stuffed animal, No.IX?" Saïx asked slowly.

"I was sewing the eye back on!" Demyx replied happily. Saïx glared angrily at the Melodious Nocturne and summoned his claymore.

"You have ten seconds to run…starting eight seconds ago."

"ACKK!"


	7. Fact 99

Fact #99: Saïx is forbidden from visiting Sea World.

--VII--

"Hey, Xemnas! Can we go to Sea World?"

"No, Roxas."

"But whyyyyy?!"

"Because last time we went, Saïx went berserk after not getting a lemon Italian ice and he started eating the penguins."

"…Oh…"


	8. Fact 137

Fact #137: Any house that Axel builds on the Sims must not be one room filled with carpets and a rocket launcher.

--VIII--

The sound of smooth jazz filled the room as Axel built a house on his computer. The pyro's eyes were glued to the screen as he build house filled with cheetah print carpets. As he began painting the walls black, Axel's bedroom door opened and the Superior walked in, holding a stack of papers and looking weary.

"No.VIII, regarding the reports you gave me the other day about...what in Kingdom Hearts name are you doing?"

"I'm building a house, Superior," Axel replied, not taking his eyes off of his construction.

"Oh," Xemnas said thoughtfully, dropping the papers on the desk and pulling up a chair to watch Axel build, "That's very creative of you. But why is it so small?"

"Because it is," Axel answered, finishing the house and creating a family of five, consisting of two men, one woman, and two children.

"Uh…huh...why are all of their names 'I Am Going To Die'?" Xemnas asked with a little more concern.

"Because, my dear Superior, they _are_ all going to die," Axel replied, a glint in his eye and evil lacing his voice. Xemnas turned sharply towards the Flurry of Dancing Flames and saw the maniacal glint in the fire starter's green eyes.

"…And how, may I ask, are you going to do them all in?" Xemnas asked, almost having a good idea of how Axel planned to murder all of the poor Sims.

"Firestorm," Axel answered evilly.

"I shouldn't have asked…" Xemnas sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose to stop and oncoming headache. The Superior watched as Axel commanded one of the male adult Sims to launch the rocket, which landed in the one small square not covered by carpet. In seconds the whole house was engulfed in flames. The digitized fire swallowed each Sim in minutes. Xemnas's eyes widened in horror as he watched No.VIII laugh psychotically as he took pictures of the fire deathtrap and the Grim Reaper taking the souls of the Sims. Xemnas continued to stare at the ashes and gravestones that was left of the massive fire, before turning back to the cackling Axel.

"You, my dear Axel, are completely insane."


	9. Fact 113

Fact #113: Demyx fails to explain things without getting made fun of.

--IX--

"Hey Demyx, after breakfast, you wanna go to the gym and have a practice fight?"

"..."

"...Demyx?

"...What? Oh, sorry, Axel, I had a brain fart. What where you saying?"

"...Did you just say you had a brain fart?"

"...Yeah, why?"

"What the hell is a brain fart? Does your brain like, pass gas or something?"

"No! I mean like, my brain wasn't working, so I kinda zoned out, y'know?"

"Suuuure, Demyx...haha, your brain let one loose."

"Axel! I just wasn't paying attention, okay!"

"Demyx's brain has faaarts!"

"Axel!!!"

"Is that why your breath smells so bad in the morning?"

"AXEL!"

"BRAIN FARTER! BRAIN FARTER! DEMYX IS A BRAIN FARTER!"

"You're a brain farter!"

"No, _you're _a brain farter!"

"You're a brain farter!"

"_You're_ a brain farter!"

"You're a brain farter!"

"_You're_ a brain farter!"

"You're a brain farter!"

"_You're_ a brain farter!"

"You're a brain farter!"

"_You're_ a brain farter!"

"AXEL! DEMYX! You two are the biggest brain farters in The World That Never Was!"

"...Yes, Xemnas..."


	10. Fact 374

Fact #374: When Luxord breaks into Xemnas's vodka cellar, bad things happen.

--X--

Marluxia sat in his room, typing away on his blue iMac computer to Xemnas, Zexion, and Saïx in an AIM chatroom.

---

Mr.NewBooty(4:48PM): did j00 get the memo from Xigbar?

PenguinEater(4:49PM): memo about wat

XemnasIsCoolerThanYou(4:50PM): apparently Luxord got hold of some strong vodka and is now running around the castle like a drunken idiot.

KUR4M4-15-M4H-H0M13(4:51PM): oh really? what has the drunk Brit done so far?

Mr.NewBooty(4:52PM): he pissed on my book

XemnasIsCoolerThanYou(4:53PM): LMAO

PenguinEater(4:54PM): LAWLZ. sucks to be you, Zexion

KUR4M4-15-M4H-H0M13(4:55PM): lolz, poor you. where's numbah X now?

Mr.NewBooty(4:56PM): he should be on your floor, Marly

KUR4M4-15-M4H-H0M13(4:57PM): wonderful --; brb, someone's knocking on my door

XemnasIsCoolerThanYou(4:58PM): probably Luxord coming to rape one of your flowers

PenguinEater(4:59PM): lawlz

KUR4M4-15-M4H-H0M13(5:00PM): stfu.

---

Marluxia turned in his cushioned swiveling chair to face the door in time to see an obviously incredibly drunk Luxord jump into the middle of the Graceful Assassin's room. The Gambler of Fate was jumping around in a circle, his arms and upper torso thrusting back and forth.

"Oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz!" the gambler said repeatedly, jumping all around the room. After five minutes, Luxord had "oontz" his way around the large room and was now "oontz"-ing his way out the door. Marluxia now sat in an empty room, sitting in stunned silence until the sound of an incoming Instant Message jarred him out of his stupor.

---

PenguinEater(5:06PM): I think Luxord decided to rape marly instead.

XemnasIsCoolerThanYou(5:07PM): XD XD XD XD XD

Mr.NewBooty(5:08PM): you guys are horrible.

KUR4M4-15-M4H-H0M13(5:09PM): im right here, you tards TT

XemnasIsCoolerThanYou(5:10PM): well, what happened?

KUR4M4-15-M4H-H0M13(5:11PM): h did this little 'oontz' thing around my room and then left.

Mr.NewBooty(5:11PM): he's gonna pee on something, he did the same thing to me…

KUR4M4-15-M4H-H0M13(5:12PM):…LUXORD!

Mr.NewBooty(5:17PM): should we tell him we were only joking?

XemnasIsCoolerThanYou(5:18PM): no. it was my vodka that luxord took, and that cost 6000 munny from Port Royal. I want that bastard to _**PAY**._

PenguinEater(5:19PM) i can hear no.X screaming like a girl, and I'm on the seventh floor

--20 minutes later…--

Mr.NewBooty(5:29PM): okay, I just saw luxord in a frilly pink dress covered in badly applied makeup hanging from vines on the ceiling.

PenguinEater(5:30PM): oh snap

XemnasIsCoolerThanYou(5:31PM): that'll do, Marluxia, that'll do.


	11. Fact 467

Fact #467: Marluxia can be a manipulative conniving bitch.

Xemnas stood at the kitchen counter calmly making himself a warm egg salad sandwich, when Marluxia came into the room. No. XI took one look at The Superior and a small evil grin grew on his face.

"Hey, Superior?"

The Superior glanced at the Graceful Assassin before answering with a slightly annoyed, "Yeeees?"

"Can you make me a sandwich?" Marluxia asked with an innocent flutter of his lashes.

Xemnas gave him a stern look and replied with an equally stern, "No."

"Aww, c'mon, Xemmers!"

"Just for that, hell no. Get off your lazy ass and make one yourself."

Marluxia thought for a few moments before saying evilly, "Make me a sandwich…or I'll post that picture of you and Saïx doing it on the Altar of Naught."

Xemnas's head sot up to look at the maniacle No. IX with a mixture of anger, hate, and shock. Then, he grabbed a second pair of bread slices and began to spread some of the egg salad onto one of the halves. Marluxia let out a victorious chuckle.

"No. IX," Xemnas began, some of his hate evident in his voice, "you are seriously one evil mother fucker."

"But you love me anyway."

"Die."


	12. Fact 174

Author's Note:...I'm sorry. Just one OC, because I really didn't want to write about Larxene. This will seriously be the LAST time I ever use an original character, because I don't realy like them, but i wanted thriten chapters, so I kinda had no choice.

Readers, I'm so very sorry, but try to enjoy it.

* * *

Fact #174: When angered, Ditax can take things very literally.

--XII--

"You like it?"

"No! I don't like it!"

Ditax dove out of the way as Demyx shot another watery column in her direction. No.XII tried to compose her self in time, readying her twin scythes in her hands, but not before she was beaten back down again by a Demyx water clone.

"Dance water, dance!" Demyx cried.

"No! Die Demyx, die!"

Ditax swung one of her scythes at the water clones, killing many of them in a single circular swipe.

"Come on, Ditax!" Demyx taunted his friend, "kick to the beat!"

Ditax growled angrily. "I'll show you kicking to the beat!"

The red-eyed girl reared her leg back and gave Demyx a swift kick to the crotch. The dark-haired girl watched as the Melodious Nocturne go down like a sack of bricks.

"You like THAT?!"


End file.
